Foggy

I understand how some people can just dismiss ADHD as bad parenting.  But, what they don't understand is the difference between won't and can't.  ADHD makes a lot of can'ts.  Can't keep your hands from drumming on the desk even though the teacher has warned you about it many, many times.  Can't stop yourself from hitting even though you will get punished for it.  Can't stop your mind from jumping to subject to subject even if it means you miss important information. 

All of the can'ts make relationships pretty hard.  Add to that a pretty heavy helping of low self confidence and it can make the smallest of tasks seem like climbing Mount Everest.  And, Bailey has to do that every single day just to do normal day to day things.  No wonder he collapses into bed every night, asleep almost before his head hits the pillow.

As much as I struggle with Bailey's ADHD, I know that he struggles ten times harder.  Sometimes I wish ADHD was an illness that you could see like  a scratched up knee.  Then, it would be easy to tell whether the medicine was working or a new strategy is needed.  Wash it off, add a little antibacterial spray and a band aid and wait.  Simple.  (Yes, I realize this is an extreme overgeneralization.)  With ADHD things are far from simple and I am just beginning to understand how complicated it really is.

Starting Small

A few long conversations, an IQ and EQ test and another long conversation later, we decided to see how Bailey responds to an herbal medicine before we try anything stronger. We were told to mix it with hot water to dissolve and have him drink it like a tea. It smells pretty bad so I can only imagine how it tastes. It has been a little bit of a struggle getting him to drink it, but it is getting better. On Friday, he will have been taking the medicine for a week and I have noticed a few slight changes, but it takes a while for the full effect to be seen. We got a three week supply and another appointment on the 22nd. The herbal is supposed to be able to help calm and somewhat regulate his emotions and help keep him relaxed. If it doesn't seem to do the trick then there are ADHD medicines that we can try either separately or together with the herbal. The doctor never really gave us a diagnosis per se, but he said that a lot of the signs/symptoms that Bailey has can be seen in kids with ADHD. Bailey started second grade this Tuesday and is really excited about his new "girl" teacher. (His first grade teacher was a "boy".) Hopefully, we can help make this year better than last.

First Step, Taken

First of all, thanks so much to all of you for your comments and e-mails. I really appreciate them.

Yesterday, was an icebreaker of sorts. I had no idea what to expect and the best thing that I could think of to tell Bailey was, "We are going to talk to some people." Bailey's reaction? "While you talk, can I play at the park?"

Bailey's wish was somewhat granted. After the therapist/ counsellor asked Bailey tons of questions- ranging from what is your address to what school subjects do you like to what do you think of your teacher and more- he got to go with another counsellor to the play room while we had a chance to speak with the therapist/ counsellor privately.

It felt a little like I was betraying Bailey's confidence. Like I was being a tattle tale. I just had to keep repeating to myself that I was doing this to help, not hurt, Bailey. It hurts to have to label your child as having problems dealing with anger- we still deal with temper tantrums almost daily and periods of emotional tsunamis that I am sure sometimes are going to drown us all. At school, his behavior is mostly the same, which left his teacher saying, "I don't want to have to reprimand Bailey multiple times a day, but I have to because I care about him."

I know the feeling.

Hopefully, we are on our way to something better.

The First Step

I figured if I just waited it out, it would get better.

I figured that if I was more patient, things would be easier.

I figured wrong. Things have not gotten better, nor have they gotten easier.

If it had been a cough that had lingered, unresolved, all this time, I would have gone to the doctor long ago. I wouldn't have given it a second thought. But, this is something totally different. Something that isn't easy for me to share because there are so many feelings tangled up in it. Guilt. Blame. Fear. Stress.

So, tomorrow, we will take the first step. A counselling session, to help figure out the best course of action to get things back on track at school and at home. The first step is always the hardest.

Until I Get There. . . .

Under the biggest cherry tree in the park, I sat watching Bailey attempt to ride his bike and Sophie filling an empty bottle with dirt in an attempt to make chocolate milk. The park was crowded with families, blankets spread on the ground, enjoying the warm weather and the beautiful cherry blossoms.

A mother pushing a newborn in a stroller rolled past us and before I even had time to think, I turned to Hubs and asked, "Do you want to have another baby?"

For months, I have been wanting to ask him this question. Something always held me back though. I think that because deep inside, I already knew what his answer would be. On the day, I finally got the courage up to ask him, his silence confirmed my fears.

My head understands all the reasons against it- money, living space and the like- but my heart still aches for the baby that we said good bye to almost a year ago. I can't help but think that we are supposed to have another child. Or, should I just be content?

I do have three children. Just not all here together. With all my heart, I believe that I will see my third child again one day in heaven. Until I get there, I know that my sister will take care of the baby for me.

Try, Try Again

In my head, I keep hearing that old phrase that goes something like, "Love them the most when they deserve it the least" and "The one that is being naughty needs your attention the most." I know this. I believe it with all my heart, but knowing and doing are two different things.

The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough around here. For most of his life, I have struggled with Bailey's behavior- the acting out, the fighting, the hitting, the anger that sometimes seem to pop up out of nowhere. We have tried lots of things- rewards for good behavior, time outs, a star chart, making sure he gets enough exercise and enough sleep, trying to eat a well balanced diet (but, also, making exceptions for birthdays, holidays and once in a while treats), fish oil, special one on one time with mommy or daddy and I could go on and on. . . .

Something will work for a little while and then it is back to square one.

My reactions to some of the things that Bailey does, I am sure do not help. Yelling, a swat on the tush even knowing I am just making things worse. I am at a loss. I know that the current situation isn't good for any of us, but I am not sure where to go from here.

This post is so hard for me to write. I feel ashamed, embarrassed for not knowing how to deal with this. I feel like I have failed my kids, my family. I am tired, but I can't give up. "That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."

In Pieces Part Three

I should be holding a newborn now,
I should be sleep deprived now,
I should be watching Bailey and Sophie fall in love with their new sibling now,
I should be, but I am not.

Sometimes, even now it is hard for me to believe,
Sometimes, I want to try for another baby,
Sometimes, I don't know if I could handle it if something went wrong again,
I should be stronger, but I am not.

In Pieces Part Two

The wind was blowing the rain sideways, so I stayed on the porch while Hubs brought the car around. It was like any other lazy Sunday spent at the parents-in-law's house talking and eating and watching the kids play. My sister-in-law (Hub's older sister) was cleaning out the front seat of her car and when she saw me she stopped and came over to talk.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I guess I am doing alright," came the automatic response.

"I want to show you something," she said reaching into her apron pocket. Showing the picture to me, she continued, "I was supposed to have a third child, too, but for some reason I lost the baby."

My eyes focused on the ultrasound photo, framed.

"You are the only person, except my husband that knows. Cry as much as you need to. Lean on those that love you as much as you need to," she said, her eyes brimming with tears, "It's been more than seven years since I lost the baby, but not a day goes by that I don't think about it."

Lost for words, I just starred at the picture.

"You'll be okay, but you will never be the same," she said and the honesty of her words, suddenly made me look away.

"One day at a time, that's the best you can do."

And, then Hubs was there with the car and it was time to go on with life.

In Pieces Part One

*At the beginning of March, Sophie and I had colds that just wouldn't stop so we went to the doctor to get medicine. Before writing out my prescription, the doctor paused and asked me something he had never asked me before, "You aren't pregnant, are you?" I answered no, but a few days later when I still hadn't gotten my period, a little stick would prove me wrong. I stopped taking the cold medicine.

*This pregnancy was far from planned. We had kicked around the idea of another baby once Sophie was in pre-school, but never really settled one way or another. I told Hubs that I was pregnant on White Day (March 14th). We both admitted that we would like another girl and I went to bed that night, happy and dreaming of tiny socks and gummy baby smiles.

*This pregnancy would be my last, I decided. Three kids. A family of five. Just like my family. Just like Hub's family. I would slow down and really enjoy this pregnancy. Savor it. I wanted the baby to be named after my older sister who passed away a little over a year before. I wanted to honor her, to let her know that she would never be forgotten. I felt like it was all coming full circle.

In Pieces

I always carry a little notebook in my purse. To jot down appointments, for grocery lists and menu plans, to help occupy the kids with a game of tic-tac-toe while we wait for the doctor or the bus. But, lately, that little notebook has become something else. A place to go when I feel overwhelmed or sad or just simply, don't know what to do. As you can probably guess, most of those feelings are centered around my miscarriage.

I could keep all of those feelings hidden away in that little notebook, tucked away in the darkness of my purse, but I want to share them here. I want to do this not for sympathy, but for healing.

Most of it will be disjointed, little snippets of the time before, during and after the miscarriage. Feel free to read or not, to comment or not.

I Found Your Picture Today

Today, while straightening a few things around the apartment, I found a few ultrasound pictures. I remember marvelling over them with Hubs and the kids, noticing the little changes from one picture to the next. And, then, there was the final one, the one taken on the same day we scheduled the surgery. Even then, it still looked like a normal, developing baby- except for the heart that stopped beating, there was nothing to point to, to say this went wrong or that hadn't developed properly.

That same day the last ultrasound was taken, the doctor said that, if we wanted, we could find out through a series of tests,why I had miscarried. I immediately turned to my husband and shook my head no. I didn't want to know the reason. The reason didn't change the fact that our baby was gone. The how of it, I thought, would do nothing to ease the pain.

Almost a month later and it still hurts. It hurts to see a pregnant woman. It hurts to see that pregnancy magazine that I bought when I first found out I was pregnant. It hurts when well meaning friends glaze over the whole thing instead of asking how I am doing. It hurts to talk about it, but it hurts even more to try to brush it under the rug. I can't forget. I don't want to forget.

Blessed

I am blessed with a mom who dropped everything to be here when I needed her.

I am blessed with a husband who took the better part of a week off to take care of me.

I am blessed with two sweet kids who make me smile everyday.

I am blessed with friends who call and send e-mails and just listen.

I am blessed in so many ways, that I have largely taken for granted.

I am blessed and I hold these blessings a little tighter, a little closer now.

I am blessed and I never want to forget it.

The Same, But Forever Different

On Wednesday, I will walk into the hospital.

On Friday, I will walk out of the hospital.

My body will look the same, but my heart will be forever changed.

*****
A huge thank you to all of you who left comments, called or sent e-mails, your support really means a lot.

Thirteen Weeks

Sometime, in the last two and a half weeks, our baby stopped growing.

Sometime, in the last two and a half weeks, our baby's heart stopped beating.

Our baby is gone, but my body, my heart still holds on to it.

Sometime, in the next week or so, I will be admitted to the hospital for three days, two nights.

Sometime, in the next week or so, they will take my baby from me,

But my heart will still hold on to it.