Thursday, June 11, 2009

I Found Your Picture Today

Today, while straightening a few things around the apartment, I found a few ultrasound pictures. I remember marvelling over them with Hubs and the kids, noticing the little changes from one picture to the next. And, then, there was the final one, the one taken on the same day we scheduled the surgery. Even then, it still looked like a normal, developing baby- except for the heart that stopped beating, there was nothing to point to, to say this went wrong or that hadn't developed properly.

That same day the last ultrasound was taken, the doctor said that, if we wanted, we could find out through a series of tests,why I had miscarried. I immediately turned to my husband and shook my head no. I didn't want to know the reason. The reason didn't change the fact that our baby was gone. The how of it, I thought, would do nothing to ease the pain.

Almost a month later and it still hurts. It hurts to see a pregnant woman. It hurts to see that pregnancy magazine that I bought when I first found out I was pregnant. It hurts when well meaning friends glaze over the whole thing instead of asking how I am doing. It hurts to talk about it, but it hurts even more to try to brush it under the rug. I can't forget. I don't want to forget.


Sara said...

big big hugs...
I am so sorry... and I feel so bad as someone whose never experienced it - I just can't imagine how hard it is. But with all types of loss the heart takes a long time to heal, and I don't think it ever completely does. A month is still a short time to fully be ok with such a sad loss... I think that to be able to face your pain head on and write this kind of post is to be admired. You have great courage. (more hugs)

Nay said...

Oh trish... *big big big hugs*

I miscarried so early on in my pregnancy but I can understand exactly how you are feeling. The pain is unbearable :(

Your post made me break down and cry... When I miscarriaged I said that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy... Knowing somebody as kind as you having to go through what I did and on a bigger scale (in my opinion) hurts me so much.


Gina said...

I'm really so sorry Trisha. I think a month is still pretty early, you'll probably feel this loss for a very long time, if not forever. I think talking about it and blogging about it, is really good. Hopefully it can help you heal or at least get your emotions and feelings out. And that's good. If you do feel the need to ever wanna talk about it, please know I am an ear that is willing to listen. You do have my email. I also have Sykpe. I'm always just a phone call or email away. Again, I am just so sorry for your loss.

illahee said...

trisha, i have no words to offer you comfort. i am so sorry for your loss, i wish i could change it, take back time and make it not true. but i can't. i'm sorry. *big hug*

Midori said...

I don't think you ever fully recover from the loss of a child. Various dates will always be burnt into your mind and that is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process. I think your well-meaning friends don't mean to brush it under the rug but when you haven't experienced that kind of thing before, you just don't know what to say/ how to help.
(((HUGS)))) from me. x