"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
~ Albert Einstein ~
A baby boy. Perfect in every way. Small body swimming in his hospital issued blue t-shirt. Crying, needing something from me and I had no idea how to give it.
I just need to rest, recuperate I thought and the things will get better. A way, I know realize, to deal with my doubt and uncertainties. I passed that sweet little boy off on Daddy and watched in amazement as he changed him, fed him and rocked him to sleep. I knew what to do, in theory, that was not the problem. There was something standing between knowing and doing. Something dark and sad, something that made me want to run away and never, ever face that little baby again.
Through night sweats and pain from the emergency c-section, I tried to get the darkness out. I felt myself sinking fast, gasping for air, trying to scream out before my lungs filled with sea water. I needed the light, my newborn baby needed the light. What we both needed was what I feared the most- time alone, to get to know each other, to enjoy each other.
Oh, how I cried when the time came for my husband to leave. I remember hoping, wishing, praying that his flight would be cancelled and he wouldn't have to return to Japan. God had other things in mind, though.
That first night really alone with the baby was a lot of trial and error, a lot of diapers and formula, a little less sleep than I would have liked and a little less scary than I thought it would be.
As I changed him, fed him and rocked him to sleep, I felt the darkness recede a little. A few days later as he slept happily on my chest, I felt it recede even more until finally as I bathed him later that evening I knew that we would be okay. We would learn together, stumble together, laugh together and cry together.
A rough few weeks in return for the opportunity to watch my son grow and change. A rough few weeks in return for the opportunity to get to know my son. A rough few weeks in return for the opportunity to be a mommy.
8 comments:
You're right, being a mommy is a great opportunity, but I'm sure it was hard going at it alone at first.
Oh I love your take on this quote. You do have a wonderful opportunity in the great blessing.
Wow, what a great story! I remember crying when I took my firstborn home from the hospital because I didn't know what to do. I can't imagine doing it alone!
beautiful! I remember those feelings!
What a great post. I don't think I've ever read a motherhood experience told with such transparency. Thanks for sharing!
Camy
Hey, you weren't completely alone. Nanny and I were there too. Remember when you were too scared to give him a bath or cut his fingernails?? I gave him his baths the first month of his life. Sometimes you didn't like the help or even want it, but you did have people there with you. Don't forget us little people :)
Mandy,
Sorry that wasn't my intention at all. You guys went above and beyond the call of duty to help me out and you still do. I think this post was more about how emotional I was after having Bailey. You rememeber that, right.
I love how you wrote this. Reminds me of my friend who now has four children ... with her first she was changing the infant's diaper, baby on her bed, she kneeling on the floor next to the bed, trying to figure this diaper-changing thing out, when the baby "squirt pooped" in her face! She called her mother to come help! You would never know that now :)
It is scary being all alone that first time ... wondering if you really can do it ... lovely how you two came to love each other in such a sweet way :)
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