I washed dishes and didn't bother to wash out the sink when I was done. Little clusters of bubbles slid down the sides of the sink and collected near the drain. It would have taken one blast from the tap to send them all down the drain, but I left them there.
When the house is this quiet, you start thinking and your thoughts like so many bubbles collect and you keep waiting for the blast from the tap to send it all away, but it never comes.
I started this post yesterday and I had absolutely, positively no idea where it was going. I think that it all comes from the fact that I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Nothing serious, just a whole lot of little, everyday things that seem to be rubbing me the wrong way.
The biggest cause of this is my husband's work schedule. One day last month, he came home around 9:00 and said, "Wow, it is good to be home early!" If he thinks 9:00 is early, you can imagine what late is.
I know, I know his job is the reason that I can stay at home with the kids and the reason that we don't have to worry much financially. Just sometimes I would like a better balance. We have talked about it (actually, it seems that it is pretty much all we talk about) and he says there is nothing he can do, that that is just how it is in Japan for a "salary man" and the sooner we can save enough money and get out of Japan the better.
So, my question, for all of you foreign wives living in Japan, how is it for you? How do you deal with it?
7 comments:
(((Trisha))) I really feel for you and all foreign wives in Japan who must deal with this issue. I know soooo many of us in this exact position and I don`t know how you handle it...especially with two young children. I am so lucky in that my husband`s job allows him to be home by six (at the latest) with every weekend off and holidays galore. I know, not very helpful but I DO understand and I do NOT judge. I think your husband is doing what he needs to do to keep his family provided for and that is noble. The problem is with the broader Japanese society and it`s insistance on men working such ridiculous hours! Anyhoo, I`m not really qualified to answer your question but I wanted to voice my empathy.
I think finding a support system outside of your immediate family is the key. Are there other foreign wives nearby? Can you start up a group? How about the Japanese wives around you? Anyone there with whom you could forge a deeper relationship.
I really enjoy our little circle of "blogging-foreign-wives" and find it to be a great place for comfort and friendship. At the very least keep writing and commenting and perhaps some day we can have a convention of sorts!
Hmmmm, Thank you for asking me to comment! I feel complimented! But what to say?... First of all the cardinal rule is not to moan about this to foreign friends because you will just get earache about "putting your foot down" "divorce" and "not standing for it" if they were you. And you know that life here is not that clear cut and simple.
I am not sure how long you have been married but I have been for 13 years now and seem to have gone through stages in this process.
At first when I was working too I didn't mind so much because I was working long hours too, and I had lots of very close friends at work who I hung out with all day and a lot of evenings too. Once we had kids, I began to get angrier and angrier about it.
One day after months of me seething from about 7pm onwards, to spill over at him when he walked in the door, he said to me "I can come home late and we have a big row and we are all miserable, or I can come home late and you suck it up and we have a pleasant remainder of the evening, but the one thing I can NOT do is come home any earlier." I thought about that and realised that he was right. One thing that really, really helped was him telling me that he truly didn't want to be at work but with us, and once I believed that I had a lot more peace. He also put his money where his mouth was by not demanding great chunks of time off to himself at weekends like some husbands do. He is either at work or with us - he never goes off by himself and I appreciate that very much.
We have run the gamut of home times in the past 13 years, from home by about 6 most evenings to living apart for two and a half years and only seeing him every few weekends. (That ended this past August, yippeee!)
I have endured surgery alone, I have had both kids sick in hospital alone, one kids sick and one running amok in hospital alone, you name it. (This was because he is in the army and simply could not come back for those emergencies.)
We always wanted three children but I realised that one more hospitalisation with no help whatsoever (I had plaenta previa with the second one and was in hospital from 30 weeks) I would end up divorcing him. I DO love him (and he us), so we cut our losses and decided to stay as a whole family of four rather than a divorced family of five!
I think in the end the trick is to somehow come to accept it. You must stop reading all the American parenting magazines and sites as it will just make you miserable and jealous! And as I said before, never, ever moan to a "real gaijin" they will not understand!! That is what AFWJ mates and fellow foreign wife bloggers are for!
Can you be as independent as possible? Do the hoikuen paperwork yourself, (ask for help, they will gladly give it - check the letter over with a teacher before you leave for the day - ask them to underline the important bits in red so you don't have to bother wading through all the useless greetings - cultivate another mother to give you a heads up about trips and kit that the kids need - etc etc) If you don't expect anything from anyone (and in my case that includes the inlaws....) then you can be pleasantly surprised when you get help, and undisappinted when you don't.
This is getting really long so I will stop here but finally say that in my (and only my, and I am not a member of your family!! So ignore this freely) opinion, if you are planning to move back home then you should assume that it is permanent. It will be very hard for your Americanised kids to make the transition the other way... Is your husband willing to make the move permanently?
Chin up (you can't really say that in Japan!!) don't let it get you down, and moan as much as you like to us in the same position! Hugs
Vicky x
This is one of the issues that makes me really miserable in Japan. My parents both worked, and my mom was (is) a manager, but no matter what we all ate together at 6pm. That to me is normal. I want that. I don't have fancy dreams, but that's so fundamental to me.
Every December I get unbelievably miserable. My husband works so very hard, from 5 am until midnight or later, every day during that month. It's dangerous for everyone involved. But what can I do? Calling the labour board never did anything, so I just make snacks and bring them to all the guys, hoping for a couple minutes with DH.
The rest of the year he's home at the same time or earlier than me. Not sure how it's all going to be when I go back to work. I work hard, but I still feel the pressure from the guys who sit around doing nothing until 6 and then pass me work that is due that day. That drives me wacky. I will be leaving at 6, I have to, since day care closes. I know they'll write it off as a lazy foreigner thing (even if I'm working harder than they are!), but I wish they could see how normal people work. I truly feel that the long hours/unporductivity is what will kill Japan in the end, and I'd rather it changed now.
Okay, sorry I started ranting there. There is no cure other than moving to another country, I guess. At least until Japanese working society gets its act together and we all know how long it takes for change here!
Thanks for asking me to comment as well, it made my night! Although, I think I'm not really qualified to answer though ha ha ha! : )
My hubs works for an American company versus a Japanese one, so he has a bunch of flexibility he would otherwise not have and that's why I say it's not fair for me to have a say really. Also he isn't required to work extra hours at all and isn't expected to drink with the guys either. On the surafce my hubs work schedule looks WEIRD, lol but honestly for us, his work schedule is a dream come true for our family as well. Granted might not work in most families, but for us it works. His schedule is wonky, to say the least. For example, once in a while, he has very early morning shifts (starts work at 6:00 am) yet he gets home by 2:00 pm in the evening. So he's still able to spend the entire night with us. Then other times, and this is *most* of the time. He works swing. And he leaves from 1:00 pm to 9:00 pm. This works great for us, because he wakes up with the kids, he helps with obento making. Helps get Branden ready for school and even walks him to the bus stop, while I stay with Noah, he helps more then I actually give him credit for. He also will pick up Branden at the bus stop if he's home. So he gets to see them. Meanwhile in the afternoon to evening, he works and whatnot, while I cook dinner and care for the boys. And he usually gets home after the boys have taken their bath. Noah is asleep. But Noboru will come and give him a kiss and a hug and Branden gets to have a bed time story from daddy before bed. It honestly feels like with his schedule and with him being home in the mornings and nights. It sorta feel like he's always home. About once a week Noboru works a night shift. Which is 11:00 pm to 7:00 am. This is my favorite actually. He's home all day and all night. Helps with the kids, dinner and everything. Even helps with the boys and bath time. And he works while we sleep. So it's like we don't even know he's gone anyway, lol. And the next day, I close the door when he gets home and won't let the boys bother him while he sleeps. Again, it wouldn't work in most families. But it helps because he's able to attend many undokai'/sports days. Summer festivals, Christmas recital's because his schedule is so wonky like this. He gets 2 days off work, each week and it's not always on Saturday and Sunday. His days off change as well. Weekdays are best for us, because we can hit places like Disneyland for example on a weekday and get no crowds, lol! So we like his ever changing days off as well ha ha ha. See? I told you....I am the worst person to give my 2 cents on this one. Gomen nasai!
I think Tigermama really hit the nail on the head when she said, your hubs is being noble! I totally agree! I bet your hubs misses you and the kids like crazy when he's at work. He's doing what he has to do. So right on for your hubby!!! Meanwhile, all I can give you is my total support and many cyber hugs! I don't want to see you having a hard time or feeling overwhelmed!
I think it's hard being a foreign wife in the first place. I think all we can be is, helpful, nonjudgmental and supportive to one another! And again, I have to agree with Mrs. Tigermama here, I too am enjoying our little "blogging foreign wife's" circle we have going here! And I really don't wanna get all sappy or anything. But you all are becoming like a family to me. My friendships with you all, is really important to me! : )
Oyasumi nasai! : )
PS, and Medea, I just read your reply while I'm typing mine and all I can say is, your husband rocks! His December schedule sucks! Poor guy, he works so freakin' hard! I take my hat off to him! And you as well! You both are 2 *very* hard working people, deserve tons of respect! I think the world of you and that hubs of yours. You both will be raising a wonderful son, I know it! Okay, I've blabbered on enough, oyasumi nasai again!: )
My situation is a little different in that I don't have children, so I'm not sure if my comments mean as much as the other ladies.
My hubby works for the Prefectural government. He usually has two days off a week, but not always. His schedule can change day to day and week to week. My usual complaint is that he doesn't work enough. I make plans to do something with a friend when he's working and then he ends up getting the day off. He isn't happy when I tell him he's not invited. Or, what's worse from my point of view is when I plan stuff that I want to do, laundry or cleaning and then he gets the day off and wants to go out all day.
Usually he gets home before 6, but if there's a meeting or his boss makes him drive to Yamagata-city he might not be home until 11. If I'm at home it's worrying.
I do teach part time, so I'm not at home all day, but never knowing what his schedule is drives me crazy. He seems fine with it!
Sorry, I've lost my point. I just try to take things day by day.
I am probably not the best person to comment on this.
My husband is a teacher so in theory he is home by 7 at the latest most days. If he stayed to watched the volleyball club preactise (which he is technically supposed to) it would be later but I think he has come to the conclusion that he needs time at home more than the volleyball club need him.
Despite the fact my husband is "at home" for longer than many Japanese husbands, I still feel very alone alot of the time as although he is helpful with J when asked, it is always like HE is doing ME a favour. Last time I checked, we were both J`s parents but in Japan, it seems that the children are 100% the mother`s responsibility and that is where we butt heads and I feel short-changed!!!
Oops.. turning into a rant about my NDH (Not Darling husband!) The way Japanese culture expects husbands to give up any semblance of normal family life drives me insane and the way that everyone just puts up with it annoys me as well. There are many other economically successful nations where people work hard, play hard, spend time with their families and succeed. Japan really needs to change its work ethic but I can`t see it happening any time soon and that is why we are planning a move home at some point in the next year or so as well!
My Dh is a local civil servant(ie Town Hall).His hours depend on his department.This year he has it easy and is home most days by 6pm plus weekends and has very little over time.But from April it may all change.In previous years,he has worked until late most nights plus most weekends.One never knows.I work from Mon-Fri,8-3pm.I sometimes have overtime and work the odd weekend but get time in lieu.DD is in full-time daycare and has been there since she was 7 months old.I would prefer to be at home with her but for financial reasons it doesn't work out.
I have been married for 10 years this spring and there were times(pre and post baby) that I wanted to just give up on the marriage thing and go home!I was sick and tired of DH devoting so much time to work and the bits and pieces(ie enkais!!) associated with work.But I have started to adjust to things now.As Vicky mentioned,our DHs don't want to be working so long and so late.It is just the way things are.BUT it is bloody frustrating for us.And our children miss out on Daddy-time.Tensions come to a head(as I know too well!) .
I feel very much for you.I only have the one child and regret the time that she doesn't spend with DH.But quality time is SO important.I love reading your blog and hey,your DH is a great Dad.I teach at JHS.There are many children I teach that have fathers at home.But these children get no love,no affection,no time.It upsets me no end.
I feel that you maybe you should have a word with your DH and tell him how much you miss him being at home and how angry it makes you that he has to work such long hours.I am sure that he feels the same way and misses you and the children.
And before I shut up,I have several friends back in the Uk who have partners who have really long hours...It isn't just here that it happens(but it seems to happen here a lot more!)
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